I dont know what else to do but what i’ve always done. Be honest with you. There is so much going on in my life right now and I feel a huge amount of reflection over the past 2 years of life, its time to stop and evaluate the person ive become, my sense of right and wrong, my sense of normalcy, everything about who I am.
As you’ve all noticed my life seems to have become a cycle of constant highs and lows. It drives me insane but I cant seem to get it under control. Its like as soon as I think something is going right the floors drops out of my control. I have to stop and think how much of its my fault? Is it my fault? Is it always my fault? Is it just bad timing sometimes? When is which?
I know I am not perfect and no relationship is easy. Compound that with porn, open relationship, marriage, career changes, life in general. Thats a lot of stress on a relationship. Youre getting advice from everywhere on what to do for you, what to do for your career, what to do with your relationship, or no advice and just an ear to listen to.
Michael and i’s relationship had a lot of of things that are hard enough to deal with as a couple thats been married for 25 years. Starting a relationship while actively having sex with others is a difficult thing to work with while starting a new relationship. But I could handle it. I really could. It was never the sex that bothered me. I like sex too. It was the treatment of people in the industry and the people he had to have sex with. I had to have sex with. As I grew out of it it was hard to see how you could have sex with someone you hate for money. Some people can handle it. I was finding it hard. Paired with lying which always seems to happen a little bit in the start of a relationship because youre trying to feel it out still. It just became hard to hear about porn with Michael because it reminded me of all the people that treated me so poorly, the conflicts with my family, and the effect on relationships.
And here we are. I found out Michael was having an affair, and emotional affair. And I do believe in my heart he didnt care about her. It was a cry for attention that I was missing. I feel awful that I made him feel he coudlnt talk to me and id be lying if I said I didnt make it difficult. While I wouldnt have choosen his form of coping, I can see how he got there.
There is a bit more but that is the jist of it. Our rules were no emotion connections, and there technically wasnt one but the lying is the hard part.
It might sound dumb but I want to stick it out. I want to work thru it. I dont believe there isnt a mountain we cant climb. Just some times you have to peep talk to other when it seems too hard. Give each other hope about life, because we all have our doubts. I believe that is what marriage is. Never easy. But so worth it. But I cant make him want the relationship and thats my biggest fear.
As of now…. im here.
Anyone who might have gone thru the same thing, what did you do? Whats your advice, did you move past it? How? I just love him with all my heart and truly hope this is what I think it is. Coming to terms with that sounds like my heart breaking in to a million pieces.
Dear Misti,
I’m dreadfully sorry for the pain that you are going through. Your situation is a bit different than anything I’ve experienced, as I’ve never been a victim of some partner of mine having an emotional affair. I’ve once had a BS 3-4 month relationship fall apart over a partner’s actual infidelity but as I said it was a BS relationship that never really amounted to anything.
I can’t tell you what you should do of course. I can only say what I would do if I were you.
That being understood, if there was any actually physical intimacy, (anything from kissing to full-on sex), I would divorce my partner in a heartbeat. It’s probably the only thing that I would get a divorce for but it’s one thing that I could never forgive my partner doing.
An emotional affair is more challenging to grapple with. I can’t honesty say for sure what I would do. But I think…..emphasis on think…..that I would try to work things out and save my marriage. Deeds are far clearer than emotions. Deeds are stark and can’t be excused away very easily. Emotions are often a jumbled-up mess. Sex is sex but love is sometimes not love. Sometimes love is love but sometimes it’s lust, sometimes it’s friendship confused for something more, something it’s just a distraction from some negative emotion like depression.
The issue is complicated if you husband is an actual pathological liar or just someone who likes to be deceptive and is looking for an excuse. If he is indeed a pathological liar, if he suffers from “Pseudologia fantastica”, he needs psychotherapy. This should be a non-negotiable for you. Someone who is a real pathological liar has a verifiable mental illness. You can’t be living with someone in a relationship who has an untreated mental illness. And psychotherapy is the only real way, as far as I know, to treat pathological lying.
You both could go to couples therapy but that’s up to you. But he needs some sort of psychological counseling if he is truly ill in the way you describe. If he’s not willing to do this, that I fear that you have a severe problem.
You have a motivation to repair your marriage as you love him and don’t want to go down that path of multiple marriages than others in your family have. He SHOULD have a motivation to repair your marriage as he loves you and he wants to repair the damage that he has caused.
I myself have been with the most wonderful woman that I have ever met for the past 11 years. We’ve been together since 2000 and have been married for the last 6. Everything has not been perfect but after all this time, we still love each other, are each others best friend and hate being away from each other for even a few hours. She is even a fan of your former work, as I am!
I so sincerely wish that kind of love for you someday soon. Hopefully, you can find it with the person you are with now.
All the best,
Patrick
My brother was a pathological liar in a big bad way, He did crazy bad things to his wife and I had to talk them both down and help them out in a lot of ways to save that marriage because i know they loved each other but i also knew he would let her go because he felt he was hurting her. There is no right path or answer in this situation. For you especially you you have to choose your own breaking point and stick to it. If you set limits for yourself on where you drew the line and that line was crossed you have to stand by it. Each time you let that line slip back allows them to know they can keep pushing you. Love is a give and take thing and when you are the only one giving or visa versa you can get burnt out fast. I realize you had a very open and interesting relationship but even in that you had set boundaries. Places you were comfortable with and others you weren’t. Stepping outside of those lines is testing a person to see if you can get away with something the more you are allowed to do the more you will do. until that other person responds or ends things. I think right now you need to see if he is actually fighting to stay with you. If that’s apparent threes a level of change that he is willing to make. On the other hand if he’s nonchalant about everything and brushes it off as irrelevant then really you can only assume something like this but worse will happen in the future and when that does happen will you push the line further to accommodates or stop it. We have lines and rules for reasons. Stand by yours and make him fight to win your heart. The heart he fell in love with back.
I’m really sorry you are in this situation. I know how lost you feel because I’ve been in a similar situation. When we were dating, my husband physically cheated on me with a girl who absolutely despised me because him and I were dating. He called me himself and told me right before I had to go to work, and while my Nana was visiting. We worked through it, but the trust is never the same. Sometimes there are triggers for the bad memory, but you have to believe that he will never do it again and have to trust him not to cheat. So what you have to do is really evaluate your relationship with Michael. Can you get past the affair and the constant lying?? It seems like he has a legitimate problem with the lying that he needs to work on, there is a reason why he does it and he has to work on that himself. You can’t fix that. But, if you truly feel as if you can move past this as a couple and have a good future together then maybe counselling will work. But like you said, you can’t make him want the relationship. All you can do is work on it, and if things don’t work, then you have done all you can and have to call it quits. Basically, you can’t work out a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to fix it. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck with everything.
Dump him. You’re awesome and can do better. Find someone who makes you happy and doesn’t make you put up with their bullshit. Our lives are short, and we should spend them with someone we have no qualms about.
Im soory about the sh@#t you are going though,but you need to stand strong.If he is not the one then be gone with hm,there are so many anime loving game mastering studs in this world dont let your heart settle for the wrong one.Im a farmer, i raise goats.cows,chickens,strawberries,blackberrys,and okra.Some might call me a red neck but, yes im a sexy mo fo/ and i can scholll just about any person at any game/ps3,xbox,pc dont matter, i was born a gamer and live as a farmer.I can except that.You are who you are and there is a milliom men out there that would love to share your life with you.gamer pornstar,honestly it dont matter do whatever you want so stick to you guns,dont take no shit,and be that uber sexy nedr that i feel in love with forever ago and be happy. The depressed you is still sexy but not even close to you real sexyness of the super sexy nerd that you can be.We live once so do it how you feel best.In my mind its all the anime and games i can fitin after my 60hr work week,and dreams of meeting a rare sexy game girl like you.I still think jst a myth but ill keep waiting…Sweet dreams and pawn nuubs..Jabba
After reading your recent tweets and seeing your heartfelt video blog, it is really easy to see the pain you have gone through. I am still battling a similar situation myself. After only being married a short time, I found out my wife was having an emotional affair with her ex. They kept it going for months after they were caught and the damage seems insurmountable. The worst part is that lying in this one subject has unraveled secrets in other areas as well.
I commend you for having the strength to take such difficult steps. I also commend you for doing what you feel is best and revamping your life for YOU. I am figuring out what to do and almost every option sucks. You said at the end of the video you wanted advice? If you want to chat, you have my email address attached to this comment. Look me up on Twitter or email me.
Best of luck to you!
Dearest Misti, I actualy find it ironic that I would be sending you a comment on your recent relationship with your husband. It was on my boyfriend’s phone that I found pictures of you, not knowing who you were and very much disliking you and judging myself in th mirror wondering what was wrong with me. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year. We have a 7 month old daughter. Our relationship has seen more downs then ups. We’ve gone thru him being physical with me, and lies about pictures of girls on his phone. I even had to go thru the struggle of him lying about having 3 other children and married twice, and still married. The relationship I thought we had, was built on lies. It even got to the part where my parents and I no longer speak. However, I have stuck by his side thru all of it. Tho we did have a two month separation. When we were apart, I had no intentions of ever being with him again. We eventually got back together and since then I’ve seen a side of him I never seen before. Things that were big issues before in our old relationship, are no longer an issue. He has gotten his anger under control and is able to open up and talk more about his past and things he did wrong. I dealt with so many people telling me I was stupid for being with him, and pretty much any negative thing people could possibly say. I can’t really answer why I decided to work on us again dispute all the lies. I think it’s because I’ve always believed that there is good in people, it’s just harder to pull out of some people. Since we been back together, his mom has told me that she has never she her son care for his past relationships and his other kids like he does for me and our daughter. To better understand him, he is 32 and an only child. So he is use to getting what he wants. So for him to man up now, and not be so selfish is big. I don’t think that you can change your husband and make him stop his BS. It has to be something that he wants to do. It sounds like you’ve already tried to put yourself in his shoes and understand why he did what he did. Is what he did something you two can talk and work out? The emotional pain he put you thru something that you can bring to his attention? things can only be fixed with talking. If wanting to work with and make things better, time for you two needs to happen. If it’s attention from you he seeks, then date nights might help, just the two of you, new friends, no groups, nothing to distract u guys from spending time together. However, he does have to admit his wrong doing all of this. If he is quick to blame you and point the finger at you, then he needs to understand why he did it. No one forced him to make the mistakes he did. Your right when you said everyone has a breaking point. And no relationship is ever easy. Let me know if anything I told you helps.
-brit-
Thank you so much. I am so sorry that ou went thru that and i was indirectly the catalyst. Alot more has come out since i posted my last blog and im no longer tring to work it out. im running for the hills and my safety.
Thank you so much. I am so sorry that ou went thru that and i was indirectly the catalyst. Alot more has come out since i posted my last blog and im no longer trying to work it out. im running for the hills and my safety.
Like all of your fans, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt like this. I can’t really offer much advice except that I think that our hearts usually know us best. I’m in a similar situation, and though we aren’t married, we’ve had a long relationship and we had tried an open relationship for a few years, but established rules had been broken by him and the trust in our relationship has been fairly shaky. But I feel like he couldn’t have hurt me this much if I didn’t love him so much, and I can tell he’s trying to make an effort to repair the damage. Trust yourself; if you’re both willing to try and keep together and work on it, stay. But if you really just don’t see yourself being happy with him anymore; it’s probably time to go. Just know that whatever you decide to do, everything will be okay and the good will eventually come out. Most importantly, know that you’ll be okay too.
hey misti unfortunately life enjoys kicking us sometimes but however when one door closes another one opens and the decisions of when to close and when to open them can be the hardest we ever have to make. but remember one thing tho we have to move foreward in all aspects of life in ways that make life the best for us it may hurt and take us down dark paths but the road it brings us to the brighter roads.
ps my dear your are amazingly beautiful the red hair blue eyes and ink hot dam.
Misti – first let me tell you how very sorry I am that you are going through this. I know all too well what the pain that you are going through. I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. We are both in our late 30′s, and both divorced. I thought that we were headed toward marriage, a home together, and a family. Like you, I found out some things that completely blew my mind and my trust. Not only had my ex cheated on me, he had cheated with one of my co-workers, and was still seeing her. He had also cheated with other girls – “meaningless one night stands” he called them. He also had an addiction to prescription painkillers, and was in a lot of debt from gambling.
When I finally confronted him and he came clean, I literally collapsed on the floor. I had to move in with my parents for several months, and went through horrible anxiety and depression. With therapy, medication, and time, I am doing better, but still feel the pain every day – and this happened over a year ago.
There are some days that I doubt I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. Friends have tried to fix me up on dates, but I just can’t bring myself to go through with it. I spend a lot of time alone, but am trying to get out more and socialize with friends.
Your true friends and family will be very important to you in the upcoming months. If you can, cut off all contact with him – no exceptions. And give yourself time to mourn. This is, in some ways, like a death. You need to grieve.
Please feel free to email me if you need support/advice/etc. I know that we don’t know each other, but I can feel your pain as if it were my own. Most importantly, take care of YOU! Try to find something to be thankful for every day, and look for simple joys, even though it might feel like you will never experience joy again.
Many hugs to you, Misti, you will pull through this stronger and wiser!
Take care,
Circe