I was going to make a video blog about this but i just cant seem to muster up the energy or inspiration, fuck lets just be honest. i dont want to. i dont want to vlog this because i dont think i could make it thru with out crying. ill be surprised if i actually even post this blog.
why havent i been active on the internet? well. im depressed. big fucking shock. what else is new i feel. im always depressed. i feel like the world never stops spinning long enough for me to catch my breath. and yea i know im lucky and i know people have it much worse but it doesnt change that i still hurt. well. sort of. im getting to a point where im not even sad. im just meh. nothing. not sad. just accepting that it sucks and it probably always will.
the job. didnt work out. i took some bad advice maybe i dont know and quit. but my first day i got sent to inglewood and some crazy homeless man cornered me at my car and i was just done from that point after it being far more driving than originally expected and my car has 110,000 miles on it and i am afraid to push it more than needed. im broke. i cant take the chance my car dying too from driving a 100 miles around a day. so i quit. maybe i was fucking stupid for doing so. “its not going to help your resume and its not part of what you want to do” yes! thats right. youre right. ill quit and keep trying for a career i want. well it was a fucking job. my first real job since porn honestly that wasnt adult related in some way. and i quit. im a loser. im broke and a fucking lose. best part while im crying on my drive home my ex husband texts me asking if the divorce is finalized. i say yes. because i had to handle all of it. and hes says “high five to us!” really? FUCKING REALLY?! high five we failed at marriage. i could not be happier im not in that awful relationship but it still feels like something else i made a mistake doing. story of my life.
so that happened. then my grandmother had another stroke. and where am i on her birthday? here. in LA. i cant afford to go home. flights are 600$ anytime of year because its in the middle of no where. again. i feel like such a loser. i came out here. thinking a i could find a better life. and im just missing life. im missing my mema, my brother and sister and my mother. and the icing on the cake. my other grandmother. my dads mom. decided to cut me out totally over a mail order comedy video i posting on my facebook. my uncle cut me out totally a few months ago over a mel gibson comment. i guess family is only as strong as entertainment opinions? the funny part is my uncle just got married for the 8th time and my dads side of the family has never really had anything to do with me anyway. and when my dad died when i was 15 they really havent even bothered to care i exist. so then i think, would my dad even like me if he were alive? i think he would. even though all i’ve done it fuck up.
i just feel like i have no dreams or hopes anymore because they have been let down so many times having them is only giving myself disappointment. im broke. im jobless. ive gained so much weight. i have no idea what im going to do. ive put my resume out 100 times, gone in interviews. nothing. porn? probably. thats why. no one wants to hire a girl in the office thats naked on the internet. HR nightmare they fear. ive been told this in secret. what can i do? i cant undo my past. but i guess this is why people go back to porn. you have no other options. everyone wants you to quit and do “something with your life” put no one really wants to touch you with a ten foot pole. no one wants to date you. no one wants to hire you. you might as well be a leaper. You just have to smile and pretend youre positive person. and believe good things will happen. but sometimes they dont. sometimes people just have tragic lives and some how figure out how to smile.
i dont know if any of this even makes sense. probably not. its just my mind vomiting thru my fingers on the internet. like all my life. dont worry im not going back to porn. i never could. hell lets be honest even if i wanted to i burned those bridges long ago. im sure many people will enjoy reading this and seeing my pain sadly. but i dont care anymore. they just enjoy it because they are sad too. they pretend to smile and laugh too. i dont hate anyone. and i cant say i regret anything because you cant. but how did i get here. and where is here?
you are all wonderful beautiful people.
So i dont typically answer when i get religious fan mail. But for some reason when I read this i decided to. I think its hilarious. And kudos to him for being a good sport.
Last Monday I filmed a segment for Super Power Beat Down on if Lara Croft or Nathan Drake would win in battle. You all know my view. I do have a Lara Croft tattoo. Click the photo to check out their other videos (yes there are Batman ones too! )
Then because I change my hair color ever other week now, Ive decided to goto bright red. Like the color red. Just call me Real Life Hipster Ariel.
Friday Night Tim and I went to see Jen’s Live show. Tim really liked it, Was fun to watch it from the other side.
Also, we went to El Coyote, the place where Sharon Tate had her last meal actually. Whatever who cares, the enchiladas are freaking yum tastic.
Then Saturday Brett and I wondered Hollywood and sat up listening to music all night at her friends.
Pretty chill week. ^_^
I actually signed a lease Friday! I know i’ve been talking about moving for months, its just been hard to get it all in order. Had to get my car paid off, save for a while. That whole divorce thing really just make you have to start all over. I quitting porn my income changed dramatically but I decided to quit and focus on my career, thats worth way more than any money. Ill do with out now to have what i want later. Anywho. Found a place, actually on room mates.com haha. met. Super cool! And in the area I want to live in which im really excited about. Ive been staying with Matt for 7 months now! Hes my best fucking friend, he really was there for me when i needed someone 2.5k miles away from my family and im so grateful.
I get to paint too some im going to do that this week ^_^ WEEEE!!! House Warming <3
I move in on the 24! oh and I’ll be at PAX Seattle if you are going to be there! Sugar DVD and I are doing a party again!
This weekend was amazing. Brett and I had many adventures. By the way Brett now has twitter which was very difficult to get her to do thus if you could be so kind as to follow her you can see our ginger adventures together. Follow her HERE
Friday night was first Friday at Machinima. Went had some free sushi, free drinks, and free good conversations as always. Then Brett and I went to the Iam8Bit Gallery opening for the 25 year anniversary. Was all street fighter related exhibit, tons of amazing pieces, and putine food truck out back. You can see more photos HERE also check out my friend Evans works from show HERE
What you dont see in the picture is the my crazy high bright red heels. So when walking out of the galley (keep in mind there is a line of people 2 blocks in waiting to get in) I decide i cant take one more step in these shoes. Im sober btw before you try to go and thing of course the drunk chick in heels falls. No sober just 6in platforms. In silver lake, which is one giant hill. I Fall. In front of everyone at the front door. Skinned my knee and its bleeding bad. And no one laughed! they all gave me a dirty look. I personally found it hilarious.
Back to the car we go. Its about 10. I brought a change of clothes. Because now Brett and I are going to Santa Monica to go dancing. We drive to my friend Guys house to meet up with some people to take a cab and start the fun times dancing of the night. Well we get to the bar, it sucks. Brett and i remember a fun one down the street but no one else wants to leave so we start walking and are going to meet up later. We walk… walk.. and about 30 mins later realize we are walking the wrong way. So i look it up on my phone.. we turn around. says its 5 mins away. well. walking.. walking..walking nope. still not there. OH! because i’m looking at the driving directions. we are 35 mins away… still. We get a cab… and finally. DANCING!!! so we dance. Fun times. Then we leave. cab to my car. Then goto my friend Nicks house in Culver city. Bars close kind of early in LA. its about 1:30-2am now. Nick has the cutest puppy by the way. So we hang out. drink beers. lots. well. like 3 but enough no driving can happen. So we crash on the couch and steal Nicks clothes and make interesting Newsie Boy outfits and danced in the Living room. Good night.
Nicks also an awesome Matte Painter. You should check it out… Thor… Star Wars.. its awesome..
Our super cool outfits above.
Nick, Me, and Brett.
Then last night wondered to a party in Silverlake with my friend Evan.
It was fun but i felt a little out of place. I think I found where i fit in finally in LA and it was interesting to wonder to another section and see how each area is really unique and the peoples shared interests, not matter how much of a niche it is, can be found. Silver lake is ironic mustaches, obscure bands, and very artsy but in an you dont always get that its art kind of way. Not that is bad at all. Its totally not. Thats what someone likes thats awesome. I think just feel like more of a hippie now that i’ve settled in. I think i described it as they are music and art nerds. I’m comic and video game nerds. Although they did have a bitchin Mortal Combat 2 cabinet that worked. and i kicked ass at.
Then I went to my favorite little diner in Echo Park called the Bright Spot and had veggie BLT and vegan potato salad, and called it a night.
Now its Sunday… and its time for True Blood.
ButSo its finally over. Comic Con 2012. SDCC. Its not only hours till I take Amber to the airport so she can catch her flight back home to poop way to far from me Indiana (hint, Amber freaking move here already) My best friend of 7 years come to visit me while I went to Comic Con and showed her around LA a bit. We met working a crappy office job together years ago, but just goes to show you, out of everything seemingly terrible something even better emerges.
This year was the first Comic Con I have actually worked. My second time going though. Its amazing seeing how much my life has changed, improved, and the comfort i feel with myself compared to even a year ago. Im cruising along the right course and feeling great about where things are going, even the unknown.
I got to spend a fun long weekend with my Machinima people whom i love ^_^ We stayed on Coronodo Island, which was a bit of a trek to the actual convention center, but with this being my view from the window i cant complain one bit. We filmed a ton of fun segments, as you can see below.
I met the Ancient Aliens guy!
And Sanity Not Included was shown on the Machinima Panel! Which I voice Nina ^_^
The First day Amber and I wore this adorable aprons i got off Etsy from Darling Amy I did a Skyrim inspired one and Amber did a Zelda one and we carried minecraft weapons. Actually made it on a few cosplay sites i saw too.
But over all Comic Con was one of the best experiences of my life this year. I got to have my best friend and experience everything with her. I also felt really accomplished in what i’ve been working so hard on. I had a friend who’s watched my transition tell me that I have really done well carving a niche out for myself and doing very well. Its so hard to tell sometimes if things are going the right direction because what direction is right? I suppose? Its hard to gauge success in a non traditional path, but after this weekend I really feel things are going exactly the way they are supposed to and im just going to keep doing what i’m doing and enjoy.
Thank you all <3
Then Amber and I enjoyed two days of LA before she went home. We beached it, ate it, and smoked it. ha.
And now a week I cant even put in to words has ended. And I am a very happy person. How can you not when it ends with a smile on your face, a smoke in your hand, and an open ocean at your feet.
Hey there internet. I know i know i havent been spending enough time with you. Im sorry. Its like this, you’ve been in my life for 16 years now. Ok. 16 YEARS! you know im always going to come back to you, and when i leave and do other things you know youre on my mind always. I love you internet. even when im not with you, im WITH you.
Life has been great. Like SUPER fucking great. My friends are awesome. My woes are gone. Work is great. I have stability and trust for the first time i feel since moving to California two years ago. I’ve made REAL friends which takes time obviously, im used to my friends at home ive known for YEARS. takes a while to build that rapport.
Ive been running in a ginger trio with Brett and Dani. Its been great. Ive always had mostly male friends but for the first time i’m really identifying with women. I think im growing up or something. ? haha We’ve been having so much fun this summer together on adventures.
I also have started to date. Well try. I think i should do it as practice to learn what i like and dont like. Know red flags and not feel upset when something doesnt work out or feel bad when im not in to them. How to not dump everything too soon. Its like a dance and its been fun practicing but i defiantly have no desire to give up my freedom and heart for a long time.
This week is Comic Con as you know. I am going for Machinima and doing their live stream as well as a panel i believe for Sanity Not Included. Also the Titmouse party for Sugar DVD. I really enjoy working for Sugar DVD and exploring ways to expand their mobile app, its like hey you know the internet help. and Seeing all the time ive spent online and figuring out how the inner workings is paying off.
See you at Comic Con
Hey. Its been a minute. Hours… actually months since i’ve written any blogs. Ive done video blogs here and there but nothing written. I realized why i had not written in so long.. i just wasnt ready. as im sure you all remember 6 months ago my marriage ended and i started a new career. i’ve just had a lot on my plate the last 6 months i need to sort out. spent a lot of time visiting home and seeing my family and friends. its been new. its actually been great. taking this months away from spilling my words on to a blog really gave me to time to reflect, stay motivated, and feel something was mine for a change. long story short. i am in a much better place than i ever dreamed of. my career change has been going wonderful. i’ve really been focusing what i want and how to get there. i feel truly happy for the first time since i’ve come to California. its like i finally selected the right path to get my goal. and i’ve learned a great lesson. patience. ive always been such a stickler with planning. i think it gave me some sort of control. now i’ve learned no matter what you plan, plans change, and life is what happens why youre trying to plan it. the more variables in a plan, the more likely it is to change. so i’ve simplified my life. i’ve been focusing on my plan for me. and not changing that plan for others right now. my plan is the plan i need to stay focused on. and once my life plan is up and running, everything else will fall in to place. i dont worry about 10 years out based on someone else. i dream about what i want and where i want to be in 10 years on my own. ok… done rambling. so yes. i have found true happiness in myself out of a saddening situation. but thats how the old stereotypical saying goes right? silver lining.
Ive been working with Machinima on some projects. helping a few clients with freelance social media help, planning an event for e3, became the co host on Bagged and Boarded, just a ton of things i can do all at once and actually enjoy, alot.